The Gnar Couch Podcast

Gnar Couch Podcast 165: NRML MTBer, Frisco Freeride Fuckery, The Cosby Simulation

Alright, strap in Gnards, ‘cause you’re tuning into another idiotic episode of the Gnar Couch Podshow. Today, we’re talking to “NRML MTB'er” — who, spoiler alert, is anything but normal. We’ve got Boston Rob, JP/Uncle Touche, Sebastian the wildcard guest, Chief, and Jimmy Sniper gearing up to take you on a deranged journey through mountain biking's less-traveled trails.

After Rob morphs into his alter ego, DJ Fred when he plays our newest trap intro song—Canyon Kings—we talk collaborations with OnlyFans creators and reporter nerds going OTB on urban Frisco trails. NRML tells us about blasting bikes with every gun imaginable and we engage in some intense debates over which country deserves a mock nuclear winter. It’s all the usual dumb humor with a side of stupid.

Pack your sense of humor. Or don't, and cancel all of us. Whatever. We'll come back like cockroaches.

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Gnar Couch Podcast 164: Calirado Kid, Front Butts, Aleksander Rubonov

Strap in and hold on tight 'cause you're back with the Gnar Couch Podshow, the only show more unhinged than your grandma’s teeth. This week, JP a.k.a. Uncle Touche, Boston Rob, Cheef, and Jimmy Sniper, are cranking one out with the Colorado Kid, a former engineer turned MTB jokester.

We’re kicking things off with a wild guess-who of the non-existent Russian hockey legend, Aleksander Rubonov, then veering straight into the absurdity of “front butts”—and yeah, it's exactly what it sounds like.

Colorado Kid's here to spill the beans on ditching spreadsheets for spit-takes, proving life’s too short for a real job. It’s all unscripted, unhinged, and unbelievable. Let’s get this dumpster fire burning!

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Gnar Couch Podcast 163: Luke Whitlock, Fundraiser for Kevin Boyer, Pickleball Lasses vs. Tennis GILFs

After 10 long months of diaper blowouts and sleep deprivation, Cheef has returned from spawning his future giga-Chad son, and the Four Horsemen of the MTB Apocalypse are back to offend 90% of the MTB world while whispering sweet, honey-soaked nonsense into the ears of the remaining 10%. This week, Rampage rider and all-around dirt wizard Luke Whitlock joins the shitshow to talk about carving out unique trails, sending it at Rampage, harnessing the power of low-voltage electricity, and balancing it all with his strong Christian faith (which we definitely need more of around here, especially Rob).

On a serious note, our friend Kevin Boyer—TRP Brakes’ US OE Sales Manager and certified badass—was in a horrific snowboarding accident on March 7th, leaving him with no feeling or movement in his lower legs. A GoFundMe has been set up to help with his medical bills, rehab, home and vehicle modifications, and living expenses during his recovery. If you can donate, PLEASE do—it’s the least we can do for a guy who’s done so much for the MTB community.

On a much less serious note, we discuss the deeply troubling rise of bike parks closing in favor of pickleball courts, and the possible impact this will have on JP’s life as a GILF hunter. Plus, we dive into way more dumb shit, including but not limited to: country-rap fusion, BDSM uses for dropper posts, and another Baiku truth bomb from Jimmy. Tune in, or don’t—we’re still gonna do this either way.

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Gnar Couch Podcast 162: Rob's Shitgasm, The Lumbersexual, We Try a Bit

Boy, oh boy. What a great mountain bike podcast we have for you this week. We discuss everything you need to know about buying your next bike, including: Rob's shitgasm, a very strange phenomenon where Boston Rob tried to push out a fart when he was 12 and ended up also having his first orgasm, Cheef's closeted desire to be a gay lumberjack (according to the listeners), JP's frustration with cuntstomer service nowadays, a new bit that we can't do right because Cheef didn't explain it very well, and Jimmy's baiku. 

Gnar Couch Podshow 161: Chris Canfield and Vampire Bikes, Why Carbon Sucks, Basement Possums

In this episode of the Gnar Couch Podshow, hosts Chief, JP/Uncle Touche, Boston Rob, and Jimmy Sniper are joined by renowned bike designer Chris Canfield. We dive into Chris’s extensive experience and involvement with multiple bike brands, including Revel, Canfield, Flow Bikes, and his new venture, Vampire. Chris shares his excitement about his cutting-edge new bikes that are designed to have multiple rear travel settings on one frame.

The conversation covers the technical intricacies of various bike suspension designs, the importance of on-site quality control in Taiwan, and the skills required for precise hand-welding in bike manufacturing. Chris also discusses the adaptability of bike designs, from narrow pedals for rocky terrains to customizable features like the "flip chip" for MX or full 29 configurations.

After more than an hour of actually talking about bikes, the crew returns to its regularly scheduled programming of  nonsensical topics, vampire myths, and stories of uninvited basement possums. 

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Gnar Couch Podshow 160: "The Hacker" Loses Again, Front Boofing ZYN, Nigel's Bug Eyes

Welcome back to the greatest MTB podcast on earth, the Gnar Couch Podshow. It's been six long months since Cheef's baby was bornt, and now he's ready to neglect his family again to head up this idiotic mess. In this episode, your favorite mediocre mountain bikers who never talk about mountain biking--Jimmy Sniper, Cheef, Boston Rob, and JP/Uncle Touche--drag you through a mess of nonsense, including discussions about front boofing ZYN and previously unconsidered places to stash bike tools, Cheef's encounters with a bug-eyed, big-headed kid named Nigel, Rob (who is Jewish) dropping his kids off at something he calls "Jew Camp," Cheef's caffeine-induced high blood pressure, and Rob's Creed tribute to the show. We've hardly been riding bikes, so we hardly talk about them.

The Oral Connections Line is hot with callers this week, including Reamo Piehole, Dean the XC Nerd, WienerMaster, and more, all of whom add to the spirit of the show with intelligent and interesting content.

We can't leave out the heartfelt thanks to our Patreon supporters because, let's face it, you people bankroll this circus. Help us pay for the few things we need to keep this running for as low as $4.20/month.

Big ups to Bliz Eyewear for being down since nearly day one. Save 30% using the code "sponchesmom" at checkout.

 

Gnar Couch Podshow 159: TDS Enduro Recap, Spotting Stank Saddles, The Mint Jew Lip

Brace yourselves for what might just be the greatest mountain bike audio explosion your ears have ever experienced. Welcome to the Gnar Couch Podshow—not just your average podcast, but a podshow, which cranks up the gnar factor to epic proportions. It only makes sense that this will be the best thing you'll listen to, possibly ever. We've rolled out the questionably stained red carpet for an event Lance Canfield himself would dub a "high-brow" affair. (Long-time listeners will know just how much esteem he holds for our little broadcast.)

Join the stars of the TDS Enduro race—legends like Mark Weir, Cam McCaul, NormalMTBer, Ryan Beamish, Colon Bumb, Nick Dru, Calirado Kid, and many more as we dive into tales of hurling bags of gasoline into campfires, tackling women who ask for it, and the symbiosis of man, mushroom, and mastiff. Get the gritty details of getting knocked out in good-natured slap contests, racing drunk, and the fine art of lurking—err, uh "camping" near showers—all while you slave away as an underappreciated drone in your place of employment...or listen with the family...or however you pump this sonic excellence into your ear holes.

As if that isn't enough, an Aussie hits up the oral connections line, randomly blurting out syllables we can't really understand, but we really like, we think. Deano the XC Nerd educates all of us. And we briefly discuss the soothing scents of well-used saddles, as prompted by Slick Honey Soaked Cougar. Finally, Jimmy's Baiku inspires another nickname for the Jewish Gangster.

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00:00 Eating chia seeds for smooth shitting experience.
10:20 Want a cool nickname, tired of this.
13:14 Fun talk about sniffing bike saddles.
17:41 Angus lost big, Deano's video rocks.
23:34 Freaking pumped for spirit awards, hanging with legends.
32:00 Good fucking time, Mark picked me. Spirit award kicks ass.
37:26 Screaming person turns out to be influencer.
42:15 Banquet Boss Eric's wild shroom trip moment with a dog.
46:20 Reminiscing about TDS
52:32 Stoked to do cool shit with great friends.
58:57 Different people, but all good folks. Interesting.
01:00:11 Picking eternal friends in a hilarious game.
01:09:27 Excited for next year, funny racing mishap.
01:13:26 "Got this fucking awesome jersey, dude!"
01:18:48 Connecting with the fam, bullshitting and bonding.
01:21:57 He did a fucking awesome job, thank you!
01:28:29 Awesome brakes, sweet discounts, cool nerdy stuff!
01:34:06 Regular listener gets a taste of mountain biking.
01:41:13 Tried to protect his egghead during fight.
01:45:55 Join our fucking Patreon and donate.
01:49:33 No more blood in the bathtub; it's aired out. Put the damn dog in the van.

(Double Drop) Gnar Couch Podshow 128: Black Fist, Fingering Nails, Dark Bike Co. Giveaway

Half the crew is off to TDS Enduro in California, so we're droppin' a few old, crusty episodes this week. Specifically, the ones just prior to and the cause of our "cancellation" by "people we don't know."

This week, we're selling a fictional product called "Blackfist." Actually, Black Fist is real. You can find it pretty much anywhere porn is available, but our product isn't exactly what you think.

We journey into the wild craftsmanship of top caps by Dark Bike Co., something so finely made you'd swear it was forged in the fires of Mordor. Next, we're talking fingering strategies for those with glamour nails, and yes, a totally plausible business venture about turning semen into a snortable party favor. Hi Shark Tank.

Expect to get advice that’s as useful as a downhill bike in Bentonville, updates on Gnard Fest 2023 that are more anticipated than a Trailer Park Boys reunion special, and giveaways that might just make you feel like you've won a Golden Dicket to Willy Wanker's Chocolate Starfish Factory.

So, plug in, gather the family around the radio, and let's crank this together. It's going to be more fun than watching lesbian cat moms react/utilize to cucumbers on YouTube/OnlyFans. 

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Gnar Couch Podshow 158: Broadcasting From a Trailer, Is Eddie Pliers Drunk, Is JP a Hipster?

It's official. We live in a trailer. And that trailer needs a name. Thanks to you, our listeners, for the most appropriate and kind names for our rickety-ass trailer studio. Your great suggestions, like "Cum Bucket" and "Bussy Massage Clinic" were much appreciated. That's right, we've got zero chill and a fucked-up funny bone. Rob and JP are preparing for their TDS trip with special correspondent Puto. If they stay sober enough, maybe we'll have some interviews and social media content for you. Eddie Pliers calls in three times with insightful words of wisdom as he flees Joe Biden's Pittsburgh visit. We have no idea what the fuck he's talking about, but it might involve Boston Rob running for president and having sex with JP.  Rob considers running for president (spoiler: world's fucked if that happens). Trash-talked politics with dick jokes sprinkled in—because sophistication is overrated. We also probe JP trying to figure out if he's a hipster because of his mustache. Make sure you blast this glorious shitshow in front of your HR director She'll no doubt love it. Flip on, flip off, tune in. Fuck it, let's roll.
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Gnar Couch Podshow 157: Miguel and JP vs. the World, Fan Questions for TDS Racers, Cumb Over to Our Trailer

Gnar Couch Podshow 157 is somewhere between our best and 157th worst show. Cumb with us as we discuss a plethora of important topics and sometimes talk about mountain biking to bore you.

We've dedicated ourselves to living our brand as we prepare to move the studio from Cheef's apartment, where his gay neighbor (geighbor, as it is) stomps around like Shrek all night, to JP's trailer. We're looking for a wrap sponsor so we can yank the thing around with Rob's Taco podcasting our high-brow humor in quaint bike towns across America.

Boston Rob is now lusting for sponsors like a teenager with his first Playboy. Wanna give us money? Hit him up. Or just check us out on Patreon. We take money any way we can get it.

That's probably why JP has a realistic sex doll named Miguel squatting in the back of his van. He estimates Miguel's weight at 150 pounds, 130 of which is most likely peen, according to Eddie Pliers, a long-time listener.

Other topics include self-anointing elk who piss all over themselves to attract a mate. Give it a try if you're having trouble getting laid. We also go in depth on whether or not it's possible to die choking on semen. (Guess what? It is, and it's reportedly happened.) And, since our tangents are about as stable as a unicycle on a tightrope, JP and Cheef randomly spend about five minutes trying to convince JP and Jimmy to actually start watching Trailer Park Boys.

So, pour yourself a bag of paint and prepare to breathe deep because this is another nonsensical shitshow you'll want to soon forget.

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Listen to all our podshows.

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00:00 Oklahoma Blood: Stompin' Nachos.

11:09 Can you die from swallowing semen?

17:23 Cheef's loud geighbor.

21:40 He died at the Maverick, I think.

26:04 Remo Piehole and ninjitsjew

31:03 Biology with Deano the XC Nerd

37:39 Great collab idea

42:39 Miguel, JPs 150-pound sex doll

50:00 Queuing with the boomers

55:13 Rob wants more sponsors for the show 

01:00:28 Our new studio is a trailer

01:07:29 More trailer talk

01:10:13 Baiku and Bliz Eyewear

01:13:50 Buy from thelostco

01:19:59 Join our Patreon

01:25:23 Good bye