The Gnar Couch Podcast

Gnar Couch Podcast 162: Rob's Shitgasm, The Lumbersexual, We Try a Bit

Boy, oh boy. What a great mountain bike podcast we have for you this week. We discuss everything you need to know about buying your next bike, including: Rob's shitgasm, a very strange phenomenon where Boston Rob tried to push out a fart when he was 12 and ended up also having his first orgasm, Cheef's closeted desire to be a gay lumberjack (according to the listeners), JP's frustration with cuntstomer service nowadays, a new bit that we can't do right because Cheef didn't explain it very well, and Jimmy's baiku. 

Gnar Couch Podshow 161: Chris Canfield and Vampire Bikes, Why Carbon Sucks, Basement Possums

In this episode of the Gnar Couch Podshow, hosts Chief, JP/Uncle Touche, Boston Rob, and Jimmy Sniper are joined by renowned bike designer Chris Canfield. We dive into Chris’s extensive experience and involvement with multiple bike brands, including Revel, Canfield, Flow Bikes, and his new venture, Vampire. Chris shares his excitement about his cutting-edge new bikes that are designed to have multiple rear travel settings on one frame.

The conversation covers the technical intricacies of various bike suspension designs, the importance of on-site quality control in Taiwan, and the skills required for precise hand-welding in bike manufacturing. Chris also discusses the adaptability of bike designs, from narrow pedals for rocky terrains to customizable features like the "flip chip" for MX or full 29 configurations.

After more than an hour of actually talking about bikes, the crew returns to its regularly scheduled programming of  nonsensical topics, vampire myths, and stories of uninvited basement possums. 

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Gnar Couch Podshow 160: "The Hacker" Loses Again, Front Boofing ZYN, Nigel's Bug Eyes

Welcome back to the greatest MTB podcast on earth, the Gnar Couch Podshow. It's been six long months since Cheef's baby was bornt, and now he's ready to neglect his family again to head up this idiotic mess. In this episode, your favorite mediocre mountain bikers who never talk about mountain biking--Jimmy Sniper, Cheef, Boston Rob, and JP/Uncle Touche--drag you through a mess of nonsense, including discussions about front boofing ZYN and previously unconsidered places to stash bike tools, Cheef's encounters with a bug-eyed, big-headed kid named Nigel, Rob (who is Jewish) dropping his kids off at something he calls "Jew Camp," Cheef's caffeine-induced high blood pressure, and Rob's Creed tribute to the show. We've hardly been riding bikes, so we hardly talk about them.

The Oral Connections Line is hot with callers this week, including Reamo Piehole, Dean the XC Nerd, WienerMaster, and more, all of whom add to the spirit of the show with intelligent and interesting content.

We can't leave out the heartfelt thanks to our Patreon supporters because, let's face it, you people bankroll this circus. Help us pay for the few things we need to keep this running for as low as $4.20/month.

Big ups to Bliz Eyewear for being down since nearly day one. Save 30% using the code "sponchesmom" at checkout.

 

Gnar Couch Podshow 159: TDS Enduro Recap, Spotting Stank Saddles, The Mint Jew Lip

Brace yourselves for what might just be the greatest mountain bike audio explosion your ears have ever experienced. Welcome to the Gnar Couch Podshow—not just your average podcast, but a podshow, which cranks up the gnar factor to epic proportions. It only makes sense that this will be the best thing you'll listen to, possibly ever. We've rolled out the questionably stained red carpet for an event Lance Canfield himself would dub a "high-brow" affair. (Long-time listeners will know just how much esteem he holds for our little broadcast.)

Join the stars of the TDS Enduro race—legends like Mark Weir, Cam McCaul, NormalMTBer, Ryan Beamish, Colon Bumb, Nick Dru, Calirado Kid, and many more as we dive into tales of hurling bags of gasoline into campfires, tackling women who ask for it, and the symbiosis of man, mushroom, and mastiff. Get the gritty details of getting knocked out in good-natured slap contests, racing drunk, and the fine art of lurking—err, uh "camping" near showers—all while you slave away as an underappreciated drone in your place of employment...or listen with the family...or however you pump this sonic excellence into your ear holes.

As if that isn't enough, an Aussie hits up the oral connections line, randomly blurting out syllables we can't really understand, but we really like, we think. Deano the XC Nerd educates all of us. And we briefly discuss the soothing scents of well-used saddles, as prompted by Slick Honey Soaked Cougar. Finally, Jimmy's Baiku inspires another nickname for the Jewish Gangster.

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00:00 Eating chia seeds for smooth shitting experience.
10:20 Want a cool nickname, tired of this.
13:14 Fun talk about sniffing bike saddles.
17:41 Angus lost big, Deano's video rocks.
23:34 Freaking pumped for spirit awards, hanging with legends.
32:00 Good fucking time, Mark picked me. Spirit award kicks ass.
37:26 Screaming person turns out to be influencer.
42:15 Banquet Boss Eric's wild shroom trip moment with a dog.
46:20 Reminiscing about TDS
52:32 Stoked to do cool shit with great friends.
58:57 Different people, but all good folks. Interesting.
01:00:11 Picking eternal friends in a hilarious game.
01:09:27 Excited for next year, funny racing mishap.
01:13:26 "Got this fucking awesome jersey, dude!"
01:18:48 Connecting with the fam, bullshitting and bonding.
01:21:57 He did a fucking awesome job, thank you!
01:28:29 Awesome brakes, sweet discounts, cool nerdy stuff!
01:34:06 Regular listener gets a taste of mountain biking.
01:41:13 Tried to protect his egghead during fight.
01:45:55 Join our fucking Patreon and donate.
01:49:33 No more blood in the bathtub; it's aired out. Put the damn dog in the van.

(Double Drop) Gnar Couch Podshow 128: Black Fist, Fingering Nails, Dark Bike Co. Giveaway

Half the crew is off to TDS Enduro in California, so we're droppin' a few old, crusty episodes this week. Specifically, the ones just prior to and the cause of our "cancellation" by "people we don't know."

This week, we're selling a fictional product called "Blackfist." Actually, Black Fist is real. You can find it pretty much anywhere porn is available, but our product isn't exactly what you think.

We journey into the wild craftsmanship of top caps by Dark Bike Co., something so finely made you'd swear it was forged in the fires of Mordor. Next, we're talking fingering strategies for those with glamour nails, and yes, a totally plausible business venture about turning semen into a snortable party favor. Hi Shark Tank.

Expect to get advice that’s as useful as a downhill bike in Bentonville, updates on Gnard Fest 2023 that are more anticipated than a Trailer Park Boys reunion special, and giveaways that might just make you feel like you've won a Golden Dicket to Willy Wanker's Chocolate Starfish Factory.

So, plug in, gather the family around the radio, and let's crank this together. It's going to be more fun than watching lesbian cat moms react/utilize to cucumbers on YouTube/OnlyFans. 

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Gnar Couch Podshow 158: Broadcasting From a Trailer, Is Eddie Pliers Drunk, Is JP a Hipster?

It's official. We live in a trailer. And that trailer needs a name. Thanks to you, our listeners, for the most appropriate and kind names for our rickety-ass trailer studio. Your great suggestions, like "Cum Bucket" and "Bussy Massage Clinic" were much appreciated. That's right, we've got zero chill and a fucked-up funny bone. Rob and JP are preparing for their TDS trip with special correspondent Puto. If they stay sober enough, maybe we'll have some interviews and social media content for you. Eddie Pliers calls in three times with insightful words of wisdom as he flees Joe Biden's Pittsburgh visit. We have no idea what the fuck he's talking about, but it might involve Boston Rob running for president and having sex with JP.  Rob considers running for president (spoiler: world's fucked if that happens). Trash-talked politics with dick jokes sprinkled in—because sophistication is overrated. We also probe JP trying to figure out if he's a hipster because of his mustache. Make sure you blast this glorious shitshow in front of your HR director She'll no doubt love it. Flip on, flip off, tune in. Fuck it, let's roll.
Join our Patreon for as little as $4.20/month.

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Gnar Couch Podshow 157: Miguel and JP vs. the World, Fan Questions for TDS Racers, Cumb Over to Our Trailer

Gnar Couch Podshow 157 is somewhere between our best and 157th worst show. Cumb with us as we discuss a plethora of important topics and sometimes talk about mountain biking to bore you.

We've dedicated ourselves to living our brand as we prepare to move the studio from Cheef's apartment, where his gay neighbor (geighbor, as it is) stomps around like Shrek all night, to JP's trailer. We're looking for a wrap sponsor so we can yank the thing around with Rob's Taco podcasting our high-brow humor in quaint bike towns across America.

Boston Rob is now lusting for sponsors like a teenager with his first Playboy. Wanna give us money? Hit him up. Or just check us out on Patreon. We take money any way we can get it.

That's probably why JP has a realistic sex doll named Miguel squatting in the back of his van. He estimates Miguel's weight at 150 pounds, 130 of which is most likely peen, according to Eddie Pliers, a long-time listener.

Other topics include self-anointing elk who piss all over themselves to attract a mate. Give it a try if you're having trouble getting laid. We also go in depth on whether or not it's possible to die choking on semen. (Guess what? It is, and it's reportedly happened.) And, since our tangents are about as stable as a unicycle on a tightrope, JP and Cheef randomly spend about five minutes trying to convince JP and Jimmy to actually start watching Trailer Park Boys.

So, pour yourself a bag of paint and prepare to breathe deep because this is another nonsensical shitshow you'll want to soon forget.

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00:00 Oklahoma Blood: Stompin' Nachos.

11:09 Can you die from swallowing semen?

17:23 Cheef's loud geighbor.

21:40 He died at the Maverick, I think.

26:04 Remo Piehole and ninjitsjew

31:03 Biology with Deano the XC Nerd

37:39 Great collab idea

42:39 Miguel, JPs 150-pound sex doll

50:00 Queuing with the boomers

55:13 Rob wants more sponsors for the show 

01:00:28 Our new studio is a trailer

01:07:29 More trailer talk

01:10:13 Baiku and Bliz Eyewear

01:13:50 Buy from thelostco

01:19:59 Join our Patreon

01:25:23 Good bye

Gnar Couch Podshow 156: Semper Fi Fund, TDS Enduro, The Demon Core

Hey, bumb-lookers and therapy-needers, welcome to the unsanitized playground of banter we call the Gnar Couch Podshow, episode 156. We start this clusterfuck with Cheef using airtime to try to sell his bike. Classy.

Paying homage to true courage, we hear from Ryan Beamish and thefund.org, an organization that helps connect veterans with mountain biking and cares for our nation’s critically wounded, ill, and injured service members, veterans, and military families. Hear about their match campaign and all the cool shit they do for veterans. Meanwhile, Boston Rob’s flat (or fat?) feet keep him grounded, but his dreams still soar...kind of.

Get the lowdown on our spirited escapades at TDS, where the shenanigans are as plentiful as the dust clouds. Beamish, Boston Rob, JP, and Colon Bumb swap stories of mistaken identities, pizza mishaps, and why TDS is a Disneyland for dirtbags.

Experience bonding over handlebars as we revel in the therapeutic rush of mountain biking with our service members. And strap on your Bliz sunglasses as Cheef offers you protection from...well, we're still trying to figure that out.

We’ll also slip into the DMs of man love with a look at Cheef's favorite male yoga influencer, Flow.

Lastly, nestle into the fuzzy underbelly of mustaches and get philosophical over "pork swords." Confused? Good. You'll fit right in.

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Check out the crazy deals at The Lost Co.

00:00 "Wanna buy my bike? No discount, just sniff the saddle."

05:48 Stache love

14:55 Ryan Beamish and The Semper Fi Fund

27:19 Ryan's Story

32:40 Rowdy veteran MTBers

35:24 TDS Enduro race vibes

38:38 12 stages over 2 days

48:41 Colon Bumb's TDS experience as a vet working with Semper Fi Fund

50:30 Semper Fi Fund helps vets

59:35 thefund.org

01:00:18 Get your squad together, raise some cash, and watch it double

01:15:37 Mike Tyson vs. Jake Paul

01:21:00 Demon Core discussion

01:28:20 Sean Strickland vs Machine Gun Kelly

01:35:45 Great show

Gnar Couch Podshow 155: Crankworx Rotorua Reaction, Dean's Unclean Peen Sauce, My Own Thoughts Gave Me PTSD

Yo, gnards! Get your bumbs ready because we're diving dick-deep into the tricky shitstorm of omnisexual allure, firing off opinions that are as frank as a nun in a brothel.

We're tearing into the gnar-gnar world of slopestyle and the performance gap between male and female athletes. Are we stoked or just stoking the flame?

Boston Rob experiences TP terror and JP and Cheef plot world domination with their own private army. We'll riff on everything from punk band pussies to why a Mormon militia might just be the shit.

Would you give Dean's Keen Unclean Peen Sauce a try? The only correct answer is yes. Never heard of it? That's because you can't buy it and we just named it. Thanks to Deano the XC Nerd for sending us a bottle. 

JP's angrometer spikes when we discuss the pretty much anything 2024 Crankworx Rotorua. His rant leaves him breathless and flustered, marking the first time this year he's actually gotten angrier than Jimmy.

Low-flying Apache helicopters in Salt Lake Valley send spiraling into fever dream stories that are about as stable as Gary Busey on rollerblades. And if this show isn't dumb enough yet, we discuss ass-cleaning tech because that's just who we are and that's who we care about.

Enjoy this riveting episode!

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Get Bliz sunglasses 30% off with the code "sponchesmom"

Get top caps at The Dark Bike Company.

Check out the crazy deals at The Lost Co.

00:00 Dealing with fucking ant invasion on toilet.

08:32 Feeling like a total dirtbag uncle, damn.

15:08 Midlife crises at 30 years old.

21:06 Be careful how you expose your kids.

26:14 Confrontation.

28:16 Thickening mustache.

35:42 Sexuality is a fucking complex and diverse thing.

41:37 Confused and frustrated, ready for confrontation.

44:27 Playing brass instruments requires skill and regulation.

51:23 Crafted with fucking crazy exotic fucking ingredients.

59:57 Trains fucking echo through the goddamn gorge.

01:04:14 We wake up and get the hell out!

01:09:29 I'll achieve my goals.

01:16:31 Red Bull Rampage gives out top-notch support.

01:17:00 Sponsors pay for events?

01:22:22 Not whining, but grinding. Earned that mill, hustling, not bitching. Sponsored himself, conquered.

01:29:06 Get 30% off at enjoywinter.com

01:35:54 Toilets with expansive mirrors offer a memorable experience.

01:42:24 Those sellout companies like Nike and Red Bull actually hook their athletes up with sick shit, like hyperbaric chambers for recovery.

01:45:21 A diverse and colorful cast of characters.

Gnar Couch Podshow 154: Reamo Piehole Update, Deano's Hawt Sawce, What is Kurtis Downs' Name?

It's time to corrupt your eardrums with another idiotic episode of the Gnar Couch Podshow – bringing you a symphony of chaos sure to alert your pen 15. Boston Rob, JP, Jimmy Sniper, and Cheef here with the usual band of Zoom room rejects.

Buckle the fuck up for episode 154. It's a clusterfuck of cosmic proportions. We deep dive into the gibberish goldmine that is speaking in tongues and explore our listeners' desires for Cheef's clappin' cheeks. But that's not all. Deano the XC Nerd sends in a bottle of his homemade hot sauces. Does it include botulism? No one has died yet, but that could change. We also discuss one of the seven books he's written. He also calls in and drops knowledge on the Oral Connections line. We'd pay him since he gives us 90% of our content, but we don't make any money. Why the hell is a guy this smart listening anyway?

Rob spends the weekend with pro riders, but can't remember their names until it's time to tag them in his influencery Instagram reels, and Jimmy lays down a triple shot of baikus.

So, stay tuned, you beautiful bastards, ‘cause this episode of the Gnar Couch Podshow makes about as much sense as a homeless real estate agent. Let's get fucky.

Listen to all our podshows.

Get Bliz sunglasses 30% off with the code "sponchesmom"

Get top caps at The Dark Bike Company.

Check out the crazy deals at The Lost Co.

00:00 Cuntry intro.

06:53 Broke in Utah, but radio rich.

11:36 Stand up panel with brutal, funny acts.

21:42 Remo's update.

26:49 F**king tiny doses can kill a human. Damn.

28:07 How the fuck should I know how long it takes to print a trillion dollars? I'm just out here, trying to send butt pics and survive.

39:03 Loved gravel, but still gotta impress Rob.

44:21 Deano's book.

50:25 Degrowth capitalism conspiracy tease.

53:00 What is Kurtis Downs' name?

59:17 Shitty group chats with my southern friends.

01:06:12 GoPro interview idea for Eric.

01:10:21 Get badass shades from Bliz Eyewear.

01:14:33 Thanks to Mike Randall at The Lost Co.

01:18:53 Talking in tongues isn't real.

01:29:10 Rob's campsite is an outdoor hotel room.

01:32:54 Zoom room nonsense is the best way to end the show.